Recognising Signals and Cues
• Facial expressions – it can be helpful to do some work around recognising facial expressions. Lots of people do this, and focus primarily on happy or sad faces. But as somebody get older they may want to learn to recognise other kinds of facial expressions. This might help to tell if someone is listening politely, or if they are genuinely engaged in what is being said, therefore giving the autistic individual a better understanding whether somebody likes them or not. However, if both parties have autism then the usual clues in facial expressions may not apply.
• Body language – it is worth thinking of a list of obvious signs of disinterest or discomfort, for example constantly checking a watch or somebody looking over their shoulder, or moving backwards. The autistic person might keep this list in mind when they are talking to somebody they might want to date. Again if they recognise these signs they might be able to gather that the person is probably not interested or engaged in what they are saying, and it is not a good moment to ask them for a date. We all send out non-verbal signs and cues, and this is no different when we are attracted to somebody. These cues are hard for anybody to recognise so they will not be easy for the autistic person to read, but if they do some research and know what they are looking out for it might help.
• Misinterpreting Signals – It can be quite common for autistic people to not realise when somebody is flirting with them, and this can lead to them being accused of leading people on. Lots of autistic women find themselves accused of flirting with men they view only as friends because they have inadvertently sent out the wrong signals just trying to be friendly. This can obviously present its own problems, but misreading other people`s intentions can have other, more serious implications. If somebody is completely unaware that the person who has been flirting with them has a genuine interest this can leave them vulnerable because they are not picking up on the person`s intentions. Equally they can completely misinterpret somebody as being flirtatious, and end up giving that person unwanted attention.
• Asking other`s opinions – recognising signals and cues that somebody is interested, or giving out the correct signals is daunting for everyone. Try asking a trusted friend for their advice or opinion.
Flirting
• The purposes of flirting – sometimes flirting is done just for fun. Sometimes it is to see if someone is interested. Flirting is also a way of achieving a confidence boost. Not every episode of flirting is intended to instigate a date or relationship.
• Be complementary but not gushing – it is ok to compliment someone, but there is nothing to be gained from being over-the-top. A constant stream of compliments isn’t really the best way to talk to somebody. It may sound false, but also it may unsettle the person who is being complimented. It is alright to let somebody know that you find them attractive, but there is no point always being at their shoulder repeating this fact.
• How far to take things – this can be extremely difficult, and a lot of people get this wrong – even when they are not autistic. The thing to remember is that both people need to be flirting for it to be acceptable. If the person who is being flirted with doesn’t appear to enjoy the attention, or shows absolutely no interest then it is best to stop bothering them. But sometimes, especially if non-verbal communication is a problem for the autistic person, just being upfront and asking can be the best option. Saying to somebody `Is this ok? ` Or “I hope you don’t mind,” might not be a `normal` part of flirting, but it gives the other person chance to say that they are not interested in flirting. Or that they find the attention unwelcome. And in the end it can be helpful for everybody involved.
Personal Space
• Respect the person`s personal space – personal space is important for everybody, and it is important to respect this. Even if two people are flirting and getting on well, this doesn’t mean that they should completely forget about personal space, unless both people are happy to get close.
• Remember how important personal space is for people with autism – the best way to learn to respect personal space is to remember how important it is for people with autism. This is not to say that this is the same for non-autistic people, but it is a good starting point for understanding why personal space is so important.
• Touch – make sure to not keep touching the other person. Physical contact doesn’t have to be completely avoided in every situation, but constantly touching is probably something that should be reserved for an intimate relationship. The touch might be unwelcomed, and it might only unsettle the person being flirted with. Touch can also change the tone of the flirting taking it from something that is light-hearted to something that may seem a bit creepier if it is unwelcome. This is not to say that physical contact has to be completely avoided, but it should be left until there is already a good flirtatious relationship established between both parties.
Struggling with the rules around flirting and touching, and recognising signals and cues is unfortunately something that is quite common, and definitely not restricted to the autism community. One thing that people should remember is that even if they have made mistakes when it comes to flirting, and trying to get dates in the past, it doesn’t mean this can’t change and they won’t have better luck in the future.
The tips listed above won’t be easy for autistic people to put in to practise, but they may be helpful.
The next article in this series will look at asking somebody out on a date, and give tips on how to react when being asked out. But in order to get to this stage, being able to recognise social cues, and getting past the stage of flirting, can be really helpful.